This moment, this space, this time… I will be. I will be whatever I am feeling, whatever I am holding on to, whatever I have let go. I will like shit, I will not like shit. I will be insecure, vunerable, naughty. I will be smart, strange, happy and completely weird for it. I will love, feel love, not feel love.
I will continue to stare direct in your eyes, listen to words closely, smile randomly, observe my surrounds, dance in front of mirrors, stare at stars and sunrises. I will believe in fantasies, remember my dreams, adore my mum.
I will remember, remember, I will remember and be all these things that make my nature.
Image | Ore Smith
Its raining right now. (Fact: I love rain)
Nature: a. the fundamental qualities of a person or thing; identity or essential character
b. the real appearance of a person or thing: a painting very true to nature
In the The Great Gatsby when the narrating character meets Mr Gatsby he says – “He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced–or seemed to face–the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favour. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself.”
To see ones nature, might be one of the hardest things to see in this life. Can you even tell who anyone is? We tweet, we facebook, we instagram, we skype, if you can or care to, to get across our natures of what we are, what we want to be? I mean I do it, yes for work, but I still display myself. Even looking from a working point of view, what am I saying, what do I want you to know, what do you think of me. When you think about it, it comes off quiet bizarre, our methods, means of communication. Communicating to show you my nature, no? and if not that then what for? Are you seeing me. Am I transparent.
I guess like everybody, or maybe it’s just me…I’m waiting for it, maybe IT’S my true nature. When someone looks at you with all the beautiful, the weird confusing and ugly, you’ve done, you’ve seen, you’ve said, you’ve felt…they see you. Is that it?
(Fact: This sounded way cooler in my head, on print…not so much.)
I’ve learnt and recalled a large amount of myself since beginning my work in the arts. Personally I have felt majority of my existence aware, aware of my mental state, aware of my physical state, aware of my insanity state, even when unpleasant. This period of conclusion has been drafted from awareness. Concluding with all states of life you can either be present or not. Both types are both useful. But ‘not’, I’ve discovered, is not my cup of tea.
Felt a moment of rambling, so back to the point of all these words. It is fascinating the abilities we have and how they change through time and place. How when exercised, your mind can create these abilities you were quiet unaware you had or insecure of them. And how they introduce themselves to you like they are natural, like they were meant to be there, that they are who you are.
And in my experience this process has made me…uhm… unbelievable happy, with heart-melting sadness, because by the universal laws, when something is gained, something is lost…
I don’t know about you bout this has been what I’ve been looking for, been searching for, been craving for…me. I’ve wanted to believe in me, but that I actually have the abilities I want rather than wish I had the abilities I want or pretend that I have them.
That the puzzle in my head is not make-believe. That my capabilities exist and I’m not wasting my time fooling, fooling me…fooling you. That my insanity is a sane one. It is a picture…I hope you can see it.
And the wonderful thing that I know for sure now, is that this is just another beginning of what I know now for sure and what I’m still to know.
(Fact: I know how to make things, not solve things) sorry if I’m talking shit but I do mean well.
When you experience one of those moments that slows you down, literally and metaphorically, it is as if the world seems to have its way of staring you in the face when you least expect it to or maybe your looking for it to.
I know I’m not classified to be old, but I’ve seen some things, I’ve felt some things, I’ve done things and I have plans on more. From everything it seems you always need to move on from something and heal.
I think you try to fight being hurt, I would believe. Thou funny enough you just can’t avoid that shit. You can’t fight peoples opinions, peoples attitudes or peoples actions. And that’s not your fault.
And your fight starts so young, even before you realise, from your parents to your siblings, if any, to your friends, if any, then to whom ever you come in contact with. Your fight is even mostly with yourself. The fight for your value.
I don’t write on these things claiming to have answers to these things or even a complete understanding of these things, but words fall out my mind for a reason, even on a blog. Maybe this is a way, I’ve learnt, I’ve chosen, to use, and move forward .
I’m healing from things I’ve shared, from things I haven’t and from things I never will share.
(Fact: I can get down right weird, cheesy and personal if I have to)
Not to spoil the ending but everything is going to be okay.
Healing: a. To restore to health or soundness; cure. b. To set right; repair: healed the rift between us. c. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness.
I like and try to keep a positive attitude, mentally, spiritually, the whole sha bang. But you really are starting to piss me off. I’m making this general, but have been set off by a supposedly mature woman, human being, I happen to come in counter with today. Is it really important for you to disrespect someone, to make someone feel stupid, to make someone become like you? You want someone to forget the way they were raised by their mother, who has been through unexplainable hurt caused by others, just like every human being has experienced, and yet she chose to raise her children to respect, acknowledge, smile at all and every other living being on this earth, because the world can be tough, unfair, and difficult but you can’t let it eat your soul.
Would you prefer them to lie, degrade, humiliate you?? Are you trying to convince them that they were raised completely wrong. That rudeness and arrogance are great qualities, to be praised and honoured? And they are this silly, naïve thing, unaware of reality because they choose to think and understand their actions and those around them, rather than react spitting ridiculous, unconscious negative words and actions on purpose.
Well you know what, you have no fucking idea what I am. Thank you.
Where do I start, firstly I would like to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. (In 3’s) I am trying in the most poetic way, (Fact: I am not a Poet), to tell you how you provoke the madness in me and how much I deeply, confusingly, passionately appreciate it.
You are there with me on my most loneliest days, my worst days and the best days of my existence, so far. You inspire me in so many indescribable, sensitive ways. I’m writing you as I have come to a point and need to let you know how much I appreciate you, how much I respect you, how much you have changed me, both for the good and bad. I think what I am trying to write you is a love letter, honestly. Because you write me love letters every bloody fucking day.
How do you do what you do? (haha that rhymes) Speaking so honestly at times, you flow as if nothing is in your way, you understand with absolutely no judgement. My own words can not, I’m seeing, come close to explaining in every sincere way… how I am in love with you.
That’s it really, in a nutshell.
Thank you for listening.
There has been a web of thought progressively growing in my mind, observing particularly closely the men that have been having a walk in and out of my life these past months, even years. I refer more to the men as the subject, as I believe I’m someone more intrigued and curious of the women in my life, so in turn have less interest on the men in my life. But some unusual presences have occurred. Men have become some sort of weird factor, or I have just decided to take notice. And not in the obvious sense lets be clear, but in a…what word can I put this in…inspirational, corny I know. Only word that feels appropriate.
Something has chosen to educate me on what seems to be the different kinds of men that exist around my world, and here I was believing they all end up being kind of the same in the end…and in some way they still do. (Fact: Just being honest in my opinion, please do not take offence.)
So I’ve noticed when men don’t try or exaggerate, there is a genuine in-depth care, different gifts and a venerable awkwardness to them. Its quiet charming. It confuses me and has confused me at times to witness why this is something they hind, or seem totally unaware of it, could that be the case?? Is it like the perfect perfume, hard to find but when found, a scent of indescribable sensations. Maybe its too intoxicating, maybe too intimidating, maybe too personal…and one forbids one gets personal, no, that would just open a flood door to emotional analysing…and we wouldn’t want that, noooo. 🙂
Well not to break your outer cool complex people, your kinda cool without the bullshit/dishonesty/head fucks. Interesting to conversant with, funny to have a laugh with, adorable with your unique quirks here and there,… and for some hours, I feel liked as a person ones trying to actually get to understand, rather than as a toy you want to play many a games with. (Another Fact: I know a thing or two about chess)
Sorry back to what I was saying, if these are the kind of men who appear in existence, then I will be having to take somethings into consideration.
Probably my sexual evolution has begun, like sexual flowers poised to bloom, a little Shakespearean for you there, and before you get carried away with that exact word, that causes a frenzy, you know, whenever ‘Sex’ is in the equation. It is not as obvious as it seems. When I say ‘sexual evolution’ I mean in terms of, well yes my sexual nature, but more the alignment of owning my nature or coming into it, something like that. Anyway, once owned, the realisation that it is not the end all of end alls, no by owning it now… here comes the real fun. So through embracing my evolution, I presume, I am going to have a understanding and discovery of new things connected to my human nature as a female. An experimental period perhaps. Once again it is not as obvious as you may be thinking. It is not about how many people I can sleep with or attract physically, no, it’s far more than that, it’s far beyond that, it is the embracing of my natural high. Hmm maybe this is the breeze that has been blowing through my system these last few months.
That breath, that heat, that boom. (In 3’s) My whole body feels out of control but at the very same time, which I’m still trying to rap my mind around, it’s in some complete sic of my nature. I feel this certainty of myself, its quiet resting but exhilarating. There is this great respect for the first time ever in my being, for my body. And I’m going to try and take care of it.
(Fact: It is now my love)
(Another Fact: I think this will lead to a collection or something of that nature…)
I borrow this title from a genuine, consummate, with a childlike imagination and many more words I could use, but do not have, to describe this beautiful artist Bjork.
Certain lines from her song Who is it,“…A skeleton of trust, Right beneath us, Bone by bone, Stone by stone, If you ask yourself patiently and carefully: Who is it? Who is it that never lets you down? Who is it that gave you back your crown?…”
(Fact: I am a constant cycle of self evaluation and reflection, yup one of those peeps) “…Carry My Joy On The Left, Carry My Pain On The Right.” (Another Fact: Viewing the illustrations on my body, you would see a pattern)
Such words, so simple, but true. That’s what gets to me, someone’s truth. Its funny the different lives everyone lives, believes in, see’s, and in the end, our truths help us, makes us relate to each other, to understand each other, our joys and our pains. Its true that we could and have asked for other lives, other bodies, hell other minds, but those are things we have no power to change. We can only be, you know, but being doesn’t mean settling, no, being means finding all that specialness and truth of who you are and trying to love the hell out of it, literally. Allowing yourself to turn into something, something better, something hopefully, something happy. It’s not easy but I guess when I hear songs like this I can’t help but want to feel free…and believe I am.